The picture we create on the canvas of life helps to mould our experience and provide our felt experience of it. There is a lot of emphasis on ‘being positive’ but what does that mean when a loved one is lost? How can that ever be ‘positive’? How can that ever be ‘good’? Having gratitude and grace could be the clue.

When a loss occurs, the explosive impact can be devastating. This reflects the relationship with the loved one, from being close to challenging, the circumstance of the loss and of life and so forth. The experience of grief varies and is without formula. So where does that leave us?

Could it be our understanding and approach to life in general? Our perceptions?

Having gratitude opens us to the opportunity to more closely experience that which is there rather than our limited thinking of it. An understanding that we are gifted the privilege of life and guided rather than being in the driving seat. This gives us clarity and insight to sift through the rouse of our thinking and ability to see it for what it is. The awareness of our perceptions, feelings, sense of experience and also that which cannot be moulded through our thoughts. This provides us with awareness of something greater than ourselves. The pragmatism of this lends itself to living with greater freedom, clarity, objectivity, astuteness, and ability to flow with the tide of life rather than against it. We become more flexible and able to glide through experience as we come closer to the truth of what is rather than our perception of it, and thus, with more grace.

So where does gratitude tie in with loss?

We do not choose what is in the picture, as we would not necessarily choose loss, yet we can paint the background of the canvas. And with that, hold an understanding and awareness of the gifts we are given even if they do not seem like so. Counterintuitively, in letting go of the perception of control we open ourselves up to gain greater clarity to choose our perceptions and humble ourselves to it. Our thoughts of the notions of good and bad are challenged, perceptions change, and we begin to embrace the dynamic of life rather than the lens of good and bad or positive and negative. In the truer alignment of our experience of loss, it may not feel ‘good’ yet we see beyond the filter of it being ‘bad.’ 

We feel pain, especially the loss of a loved one will bring that, and it does not mean we do not go through grief either as it is purposive in and of itself. Having a framework of gratitude honours the feelings of pain and grief and allows it to pass through with the understanding that it is part of the picture not the whole picture. Even in moments when it feels like so. We can honour our loved one as we have an awareness that they are still part of the portrait. Through the loss, the apparent distance helps us to paradoxically see them more clearly. They leave us with the greatest gift they could only have shown us then. We embrace the totality of them and our experience of them being directly in our lives and then in a different way.

Gratitude is not ‘good’ or ‘positive’ thinking, it is embracing where we are with the background of greater wisdom that provides us with more grace to experience that which challenges us as well as the joys of life. Gratitude grants us direction towards truth. It encompasses that we are cared for and held no matter what and that without it we are more vulnerable to the trappings of our thinking as truth, which attributes towards greater suffering. In embracing the totality of our being and all the experiences within it, including love and pain, we go beyond focusing on ‘me’ and our suffering and instead see beyond ourselves and realise we are part of the whole always connected. And with this, the background of our painting merges with its parts, and its beauty then shines through.

This article was inspired by and written in honour of my Supervisor, Marian Phillips z’’l, whom embodied and modelled gratitude and grace for life with such verve, astuteness and pragmatism which has lovingly left an imprint and pathway forward.